the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
this hospital has no fireball
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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