oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
