My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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