sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
