She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
