Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
