The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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