Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
