Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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