literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
