Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
