The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
