then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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