I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
