I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
