Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
