Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
