my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
