ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
