Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
