I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
