He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
