Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
