you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
