I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
