If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
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On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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