We tried having a conversation with our noses.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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