I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i've created a new STD.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
