I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
