we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I did not marry a roomba.
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