I got chris browned last night
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They took my balls.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
