we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
