Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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