I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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