Capitaan dildo arrescate!
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
