Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
