i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
