he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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