I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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