dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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