I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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