I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
