Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I will be naked everywhere
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Last time i carry you out of a forest
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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