I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
