I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
