my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
