I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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