all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
