Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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