his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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