We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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