just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
