I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
