Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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