the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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